Remy The Roaster: Origins

The original manuscript for Remy, painstakingly reproduced with love by Spubby and Tiddy for YOUR reading pleasure. This story is set in the future where Remy is about 40, meaning that the main story, Remy The Roaster, is a prequel to these events.

There may be some confusion with the title of this specific story, while the prequel is in many ways the true 'origins', this story was more 'original' as it came first. Kind of like the Star Wars series.

Characters Featured

 * Remy
 * Penelope
 * Dirty Inuit man
 * Bert
 * Local racist
 * Bert Jr.
 * Angry redskins
 * Baris
 * Death

Locations Featured

 * Remy's Ranch
 * Dorset
 * Dirty Inuit man's shop
 * Remy's allotment in Newport
 * The Pop-It-Long Food Store
 * Swansea Airport
 * Spain
 * Native-American reservation
 * Heathrow Airport
 * Wisconsin

Part 1: Remy The Roaster:
[t] Our story begins with Remy, the best roaster on the ranch. Everyday Remy likes to brush his hair and teeth whilst his sister practised her violin. Remy begins his adventure on his way to [s]   Dorset on the bus.

The journey was taking forever and Remy dearly wanted a snack of some kind. Perhaps a juicy Cuban Zinger or a pipe of Wangers. He needed a load-up! That’s when Remy saw the [t]   biggest Chop-And-Go Panini he had ever seen in a shop window. Remy had to buy it.

Using the money he stole from his sister, he purchases the starchy giant. Remy’s heart skipped a beat when he notices that the Chop-And-Go Panini was [s]   lodged beneath a Prendice Ultraquik Sock Remover by Dyson. The filthy shopkeeper ambled over and stuck out a sweaty thumb indicating a sale was on its way. Remy took note of his dirty Inuit grin and fled, taking refuge behind the huge [t]   woman that had just entered the shop.

Five minutes passed and the shop closed. Remy was trapped in the shop with the large woman who had now fallen unconscious. Remy seized this opportunity to [s]   buy the new Omniplex Dickbag Kettle from Titsworth-And-Stretch, an item that he had desired ever since his sister smashed his old kettle with her violin like a fat bitch whore. The shopkeeper consequently [t]   did the same to the new kettle. Remy began to cry. Remy was broke and his sister did not like that her money was stolen.

Remy is now homeless. In his spare time Remy likes to [s]   tend to his veggies in his allotment in Newport. The carrots are growing nicely but the cabbages are dying. In the cold winter months, Remy has to apply fertilizer to his doss load, making sure that they don’t burn up like a Tinsel-Brand Crack Filler from Tetchiz.

Suddenly Remy stops thinking about his allotment and [t]   sets off to find himself a job. If there is one thing that Remy is good at, it’s being an amazing roaster. Remy is now a top-notch chef working in the Pop-It-Long food store. The manager of the shop died and Remy takes his place. To spice up his business, Remy decides to [s]   employ the fat woman and the filthy Inuit salesman.

All is well and Remy weaves his way up the ranks like a 2000K Bananabus Foot long Feather duster from Krankz. Within minutes he becomes the leader and owns 20 feet of the Pop-It-Long food store. The other 2 having been claimed by a local racist. Remy plucks up the courage and [t]   hires assassins to kill the racist. This of course doesn’t work and the local squad of paki-bashers steal the Pop-It-Long food store from Remy.

Remy goes back to his allotment in Newport with his fat woman, who is 2 weeks pregnant. At the allotment they find the [s]   deceased corpse of Remy’s sister, face down in a sloppy pumpkin disaster.

Remy arranges a funeral for his beloved sister and she is cremated near Swansea Airport. The priest is the Inuit shopkeeper and gives top-notch words of praise as Penelope Roaster is lowered into the basement one last time. A tear forms in Remy’s [t]   nose as he has a really bad cold. Remy lobs Penelope’s violin into a nearby lake and goes to KFC.

Part 2: Remy The Amazing Roaster:
Remy was finally famous. He had written a book about his allotment in Newport. Remy also knows Spanish and moves to Spain to perform to an audience. His favourite act is called [s]   ‘Spanish Remy’ where he pretends to be a silly black Spaniard who is always tripping over and spilling his Meat-Enthused Breville Cocoa tipple!!!

It is at this point that Remy begins to suffer from bouts of extreme hair loss due to a gypsy’s curse encountered in earlier life (see part 1). At risk of losing his full chop-load of fur, Remy gets to work inventing some cream that can [c]   alert the police to the cheeky muzzer sifting through his Cuntflash and The Buttholemen LP’s. During his experiments, he mixes Fincertium with SPLAXBHAR Brand Loft-Cleaner and accidentally creates an all-powerful [t]   louse. There is only enough cream for one and Remy gets by without having hair. Remy is banned from Spain and so goes back to his allotment in Newport.

Bert, his fat woman and soon-to-be wife has had a child, also by the name of Bert. For Bert’s birthday Remy gets him a second-hand [s]   carrot from his allotment in Newport. The carrot is poisoned by accident (pesticides) but Bert pulls through within a week and Remy vetoes the stomach-pulling operation, so that the fat lady can finally get onto the 2015 Forbes Model List. The operation is a failure and she is left with [t]   only skin and no bones. Remy puts Bert into a backpack with her head hanging out and they set off on an adventure.

Part 3: An Adventure With Remy The Roaster:
Remy was born for the forest. With his sister he loved to watch Bear Grills and David Pop Survival Guide. He makes a tent in the jungle but finds that he has built it on the [s]   wrong side of a Native-American reservation. The angry redskins attack with Shock-Poppers and Lockstickz until the withered head of Bert rolls across the floor and under a table. Remy loses Bert’s head to the natives, who use it as a paperweight for all of their important files.

Remy becomes lonely in his wigwam-cell and whips out a fresh [t]   pair of pants as he has also just taken a large shit. He decides that the death of his wife would be an amazing story idea. So Remy sets off home, to his allotment in Newport. Remy publishes his story. The story is hated by millions, so Remy cuts off one of his hands. Remy is sad. To make himself happy he askes the dirty Inuit salesman to [s]   kill him slowly and painfully. The Inuit jumps at the notion and Remy is shot whilst being submerged in a large fish tank. His dead body is removed and laid to rest in a large metal safe buried deep beneath Heathrow Airport.

The fat lady and her daughter Bert move to Wisconsin into a caravan and try to forget about [t]   the death of Bert. Bert goes to die. A celebrity called Baris shares Remy’s book online and everyone complains about Remy’s death. Everyone does a #Remytheroasterpleasereturn. Death brings back Remy and to show his gratitude he [s]   lets him borrow a lemon from his allotment in Newport.

Key
[s]= Denotes Spubby switching to scribe

[t]= Denotes Tiddy switching to scribe

[c]= Denotes one time cameo from famed author Casper Lumbar