Chapter 2: Remy The Roaster's College Cookery Classes

The second chapter of Remy The Roaster, adding a flavour of what would come to be 'classic Remy action sequences' in the form of a thrilling car chase.

Characters Featured

 * Remy
 * Mr Simone
 * Shelly
 * Ben
 * Cookery teacher
 * Bert
 * Busty fake police officers
 * Taxi driver

Locations Featured

 * Leeds
 * Mr Simone's house
 * Leeds College of Cookery
 * A hotel in Leeds

Content
[t] Remy waves to a crying Mr Simone, who is pawing at the window. Remy gets off the number 2 bus and speeds off to baking college. Remy knows it is his destiny to become the best Roaster in all of Leeds. Remy goes into the college to find that there are only 2 other people in his cooking mentoring. One of the people has long hair and is called shelly. [s]   The other person is a little bit older and is called Ben. Ben has no arms but apparently he can cook like Ramsey!

The teacher walks in and introduces herself, “Hello class, I am your teacher.” The lesson begins and Remy fries up a Turkish log for everyone to marvel at. The teacher gives it a 2/5 and Remy’s dreams of being the worlds best Roaster are dashed across the classroom. Remy bursts out of the class in tears and runs back home into the arms of Mr Simone.

[t]   Mr Simone sits Remy down and puts on the kettle. “Remy my young blossoming Roaster, you must never give up, I was once like you” said Mr Simone.

“Yes.” Said Remy.

Mr Simone wipes Remy’s tears away with a hanky. Remy hugs Mr Simone, but suddenly a ‘bang’ is heard. Blood is sprinkled down Remy’s arm. Mister Simone has been sniped by Bert who is on the roof. Remy knows he must follow his life’s ambitions and sets off outside to find [s]   Bert. Remy needs redemption. College can wait.

Remy can see Bert running off in the distance with a sniper rifle. He picks up a big rock and lobs it as far as he can, remembering his Junior Baseball League Training. The rock hits a police officer and the chase begins. Sirens blare as Remy smashes the window of a nearby Mark II Jet-Fuelled Quadbike from Tillmans. Remy hops in and speeds after Bert, the police car in hot pursuit. Remy hits the curb and the whole bike flips over 260 degrees, running over a dog in the process. Remy doesn’t care. This is his destiny.

Bert is now in Remy’s firing range. Remy cracks open his multipack Quavers and takes aim at Bert with a shotgun. The bullet [t]   jams in the gun and burns Remy’s hand. Remy screams a hurtful scream! In his anger and rage Remy lobs the gun at a nearby gas station and the whole thing bursts into fire and flames.

Remy looks at the devastation he has caused and stops the car. His hand hurts and he is sad. The police nail him up against the car and take him [s]   in the rear. The police take off their uniforms, revealing string vests and hotpants.

“You guys aren’t police people!!!” cried Remy as the stronger gentleman inserted a thumb in his mouth. The other fake officer pretended to be a cat and pawed at Remy’s penis. Remy tried not to get a whiffy stiffy as he pulled out a hidden spanner on the gimp duo. Remy rendered steel upon the homosexual twins and managed to [t]   drop it on his foot in the process. “Yow, Ouch!” cried Remy. The fake officers put back on their uniforms and apologised to Remy. They showed him the hidden cameras and $2 for his participation. Remy shook their hands and gets back in his car to drive to the nearest hotel.

Whilst driving to his evening accommodation, in through the window came a [s]   messenger pigeon with more abuse from Bert, this time in the form of a small letter. Remy did not read the letter, but he got the gist by looking at the font. Remy checked out of the hotel and began to run. He didn’t care about anything anymore. Mr Simone was dead and Bert no longer loves him. His life was a failure and his bakery career had gone down the drain like Fundis-Prepp Sugar-Water.

It starts to rain. Remy can feel the rain on his forehead and cheeks. Remy sits down in a puddle and starts to cry. Remy knows he must [t]   build a fire if he is to survive the cold of the night. Remy builds up a pile of straw and old plastic and sets it ablaze. Out of his pocket, Remy produces a fresh packet of Tillmans Big Marshmallows. Remy begins to roast the marshmallows and a tear slips from his eyes. The smell of burning sugar and gelatine brings back thought from his childhood and reminds him of his destiny. Remy falls into a deep coma and begins to have the best dream a little Roaster can have.

Stood in front of him in a pine forest is [s]   a deer. The deer has the face of Bert. Remy tries to run after it, but he is naked and slower than usual. The deer gallops up a small hillock and Remy scrambles behind, hands outstretched. At the top of the hill Remy sees the night sky. Millions of constellations stare back down at him. One of them resembles Mr Simone and starts talking to him.

“Remy, go back to cooking college.” Remy sobs and screams at Mr Simone.

“NO!!!”

The deer turns around and the face of Bert lets out a piercing scream. Remy wakes up and realises he has pissed himself.

[t]   Remy changes his pants and slips into a fine denim suit from Tipass Ltd. He calls a taxi and speeds towards the college. On his way he passes his old school. He passes the church and the farms. He finally arrives at the college. The taxi driver laughs and charges Remy double what the journey would really cost. Remy pays him the money and goes in the college door. Shelly runs towards Remy and hugs him, “Remy. I missed you so much!” Said Shelly.

“What?” replied Remy.

“We thought you were killed by Bert.” Shouted a distressed Shelly. Shelly shows Remy the news and Bert is killing a few people with a rather large gun. Ben walks in and slaps Shelly’s ass. Shelly whimpers.

“Time for class” said the teacher and they go into class. On the digital board the teacher pulls up an image of [s]   a lasagne on the board. “Make this guys” says the teacher as she sits back and goes to sleep quietly.

Remy seizes the opportunity to have some fun and asks Shelly to dare him to stick his balls in the blender. Shelly giggles but Ben looks disapprovingly. “Do you not know, that is how I lost my arms!” he said, knocking together his two stumps. Remy does it anyway. [t]   Shelly helps Remy up onto the table and Remy drops his trousers. Shelly sets up the video camera and begins to stream the whole thing straight onto the BBC Sports Channel. Ben is screaming for Remy to stop but Remy begins to lower himself into the whizzing blades of the blender. Suddenly there is a power cut and the blender comes to a stop.

“Fuckass” whines Remy. Ben hits Remy over the head with a cheese grater and pushes him off the college roof for being such a prick. Blood pours from Remy’s arms and feet and he falls into a coma. His joints seal up and as he closes his eyes he hears an ambulance.

Remy’s vision blackens and the doctors pick him up and put him into the ambulance!!

Key
[s]= Denotes Spubby switching to scribe

[t]= Denotes Tiddy switching to scribe